The Caper?
by The Phantom of the Death Star
Summary: Have you ever wondered what happened to Vincent while Cloud had his cape in Kingdom Hearts 1? Neither have I. And yet, here it is: a tale of insanity, mystery and cell phones... poor Vincent...


Disclaimer: just so you know, Final Fantasy VII and Kingdom Hearts do not belong to me, although I have copies of both, Vincent's cape does not belong to me, although I do have a large red fraying piece of fabric and I don't even own a cell phone.

**The Cape****(r?)**

The room was completely dark except for the alarm clock showing a glowing red "2:37 a.m." The room was silent except for a dull metallic scraping that sounded like a lock being picked. So, in short, it was dark and quiet and spooky, not extremely comforting to someone who had woken from yet another nightmare-ish dream involving being locked in a coffin. Vincent Valentine's eyes opened absorbing and reflecting the light from the alarm clock, making them look like polished rubies with inky centers.

The grinding noise was getting louder, but Vincent was too preoccupied with his morbid thoughts to care. He looked at the clock and groaned slightly. He would not be able to get back to sleep.

He turned over onto his side and glared hard at the wall, wishing that his eyes didn't adjust quite so well to darkness. His thoughts were beginning to fall into the usual spiral of despair, when the grinding stopped and he heard whispering voices. It took him a moment to focus on them, but he heard most of the conversation.

"…long does it take to pick a lock, anyway?" It was a deep, slightly brooding, male voice. It was extremely familiar, but in his half-asleep state, Vincent couldn't place it.

"Oh, shush. Let's see you do better." This voice was female, also familiar, and somehow inexplicably annoying.

"Fine, I will."

"No!" this was more a squeak than a word, "Not with _that_. You'll wake him up!"

_Wake who up? _Vincent wondered for a moment. Then he mentally slapped himself, _me, of course._

More scraping, then a click. Vincent tried to sit up so he could make an attempt to stop the burglary, but before he could move the door opened and a small figure slunk into the room and started rummaging less-than-systematically. The door opened a little wider and a second figure entered, this one was larger and even his silhouette looked muscular.

Vincent sat up, and the smaller figure stopped dead, "Uh-oh… he's awake."

She looked to her spiky-haired accomplice who said quickly, "Grab it and run."

They both began rummaging franticly through Vincent's things, taking particular care to search the closet. Vincent had stood and moved to block the door. As he turned the dim room light on the girl, who he now recognized as Yuffie Kisaragi, snatched up something and squeaked to her companion, Cloud Strife, "I found it!"

Cloud nodded absently, looking at something else he had found on the floor. Yuffie turned towards the door and dropped the piece of fabric she was carrying and put her hands over her mouth as though to stop herself from either screaming or laughing, or something in between.

Cloud picked up the object he had found and turned to see what Yuffie was looking at. Upon seeing Vincent he looked dumbfounded.

Yuffie broke into giggles and started talking as though that might cover up her rudeness. "Um… if I had my choice…" More giggles, "Because you look… so… so…" Yuffie looked like she was going to fall over laughing.

"Small?" Cloud attempted to supply, trying and failing not to smile.

"Silly!" Yuffie completed her sentence between gasps, and then attempted to compose herself. She edged carefully towards the door and the place where Vincent was standing, "I would _hate_ to leave you here looking so…" she waved her arms meaningfully in Vincent's direction, "I mean, without your cape and everything, but… See, I'm being paid…" She glanced at Cloud who was signaling violently for her to be silent.

"Yuffie!"

Yuffie looked panicked and suddenly lunged at Vincent, hitting him in the back of the head and causing him to black out.

---

Vincent woke up and wondered for a moment if the burglary had been a dream. Then he realized he was on the floor.

Getting up and rubbing the sore spot on the back of his head, he wondered what it was that Yuffie had stolen. He didn't think he had anything of value that Cloud would have wanted enough to take. So why steal from him? And what? Vincent looked around the room and tried to identify what could be out of place, he couldn't, so he decided to get dressed and find out if anyone knew anything.

Strapping his gun-belt with Cerberus on, he realized what had been taken. His cape.

Vincent stood like a statue, disbelieving, _those _imbeciles _took my clothes. _He sat down onto his bed. _But to what end? Why my torn-up horrible cape? _Vincent had never realized it before, but he had a strong emotional attachment to the well-worn garment. He had an incredible sense of loss.

He didn't know how long he sat there, silently mourning the loss of his cape. He wondered if anyone else was in on the theft. Normally he would have gone to ask the others what they knew, but…

Considering the reactions of Cloud and Yuffie it would be unwise to be seen in this state by those who knew him. The obvious solution was to call them; the problem with that solution was that he did not own a phone.

Vincent stood and began to pace across the room, thinking, looking for a way to contact the others.

To his surprise, the solution made contact with his foot.

"Ouch!" Vincent collapsed into a sitting position on the floor, grabbing the foot in question, an expression of shock and mild pain on his face, "What the…" He looked around the floor for the object he had stepped on.

He lifted it to his eye-level in pure amazement. It was a phone. A cell phone. And quite obviously _his_. Who else's phone would be decorated a sticker of the dirge, the keychain of his handgun?

The memory suddenly clicked into place, he had received a package on the thirteenth of October; it had no return address nor any other form of identification. Vincent had no idea where the package had come from although he had suspected a prank from the beginning.

Upon opening the mysterious package, he had found this cell phone, perfectly outfitted to accent his personality. The vaguely threatening dirge, the otherwise simple, subdued design, there was even a contact list of everyone he knew and more programmed in. Vincent had, however, found all the tailored fittingness suspicious, brushed the whole thing off as a prank and had abandoned the mysterious object under his bed. But here it was, trying once again to send him some sort of message. _Or perhaps,_ Vincent thought bitterly, _I am just insane._

Despite this, he flipped open the phone and looked through the contact list, wondering who might know about the whereabouts of his cape, and the thieves.

_Cid… Barrett… No, no… Who's Leonhart? And what kind of a name is "Squall"?... Definitely not. Cloud, Yuffie? Hah, like they'd want to talk to me now… Tifa, okay, she might have some idea where Cloud is... _

Vincent sighed and clicked in the number, he raised the phone and listened to it ringing, it rang only twice before he heard Tifa's voice pick up on the other end. She was attempting to sound calm, but was obviously panicked, "Hello?"

"Hi, Tifa, it's Vincent…"

"Vincent! You heard?"

"Uh… heard what?"

"Oh, Cloud disappeared and Yuffie and Cid and Aerith and… this guy called Leon."

The name sounded familiar to Vincent, but he couldn't identify where from. "How did you find that out?"

"Cloud left a note," she said, rather lamely.

"Ah… and did this note say anything else? Like where they went?" An impatient note curled itself elegantly into Vincent's already menacing voice.

Tifa, in her distracted state, missed it completely. "It just said that they left on Cid's 'Gummi' Ship and that they don't know when they'll be back."

_#&#&?!! _"Well, that's nice. Good for them…" The impatient anger wasn't as elegant anymore.

"Uh… okay… Oh! Someone's on the other line. I have to check if it's Cloud," She hung up.

Vincent sat stunned by the abruptness of this for fifteen seconds. "Okay…"

Vincent closed the phone, and then jumped as it rang in his hand. He stared at it for a second before realizing what the noise meant.

He opened the phone and looked at the incoming number, _unknown_.

He hit the answer button, mystified, "Hello?"

"Hi, this is Betty from the Meltable Mattresses Discount Fondue Inc. wondering if you were interested in the new pink white chocolate kitten themed—"

"What the Hell?!" Vincent snapped the cell phone shut in alarm, feeling very disillusioned about his dark little world and almost ready to throw out what he had started to think of as his only link to the outside world. But he didn't. Instead he made a mental note never to answer an unknown number.

Vincent decided after a moment of deliberation that he would have to continue the search for his cape. But who to call? Tifa had the note; no one else he knew had any information.

The name he had heard earlier suddenly came together in his mind, "Leon…hart. Leonhart." He said aloud, looking at the name, "Tifa said he's with Cloud. He's the only person I don't know…"

**---**

**MEANWHILE…**

A phone rang. Leon looked at Cloud. Cloud looked at Aerith. Aerith looked at Yuffie. Yuffie looked at Cid.

Cid didn't look up, "Ain't mine," he snarled, too busy with the Gummi ship to bother more than this laconic response.

"Not mine!" Yuffie squeaked, bouncing slightly.

Aerith smiled slightly and shrugged, looking at Cloud now.

Cloud shook his head slowly, replacing his phone beneath the cape with a flourish.

Everyone looked at Leon. "It isn't me," Leon said, "I don't have a…" Leon stared at the ringing phone in his hand that he didn't know he had.

"Just answer it, Leon!" Cloud said annoyed by the shrill ringing of the phone, and slightly adjusting the cape of which he was so proud.

"Shut the damn thing up. I'm tryin' to work here!" Cid added.

"Cid," Aerith's soft voice was reprimanding, "Don't say things like that. You have to set a better example for the little Disney characters!"

"Ain't no #&# Disney characters here…" Cid muttered as Leon answered the cell phone, confused.

"Hello?"

"Hello. This is Vincent Valentine, are Cloud or Yuffie there? I have a message for them…"

"Vincent… Valentine?" the man's voice said, slightly incredulously from the other end of the phone. There was a short pause, then a muffled scream of "We aren't here!" and the sound of someone running into a wall as they attempted to leave the room.

"Was that… Yuffie? Is Yuffie there?"

"No. They aren't here," the man's voice said over Yuffie's moan of "Oooowch…"

"Are you sure?" Vincent asked, his tone implying his incredulity.

"…Whatever." He hung up.

Vincent closed the phone, miffed, "Well, that was thoroughly unhelpful."

He looked through the list again, there were many unfamiliar and anonymous numbers in the dark lower reaches of his contact list; the one that caught his eye was not a name but it was labeled "The Most Awesomest Person Ever."

"_Awesomest" is not a word_, Vincent thought cynically. The entry was the second to the last on the list, but he suspected that the "Most Awesomest Person Ever" might have been the prankster who programmed the list. He dialed the number.

The phone picked up almost immediately this time and an unfamiliar voice started talking, "Hello? Who is this?"

"This is Vincent Valentine, do you happen to be anyone I know?"

"No, you don't know me," The voice said in a very offhanded tone, "Anyhow, How are you today, Vincent?"

"Uh… I've been better I guess, see my cape—" Vincent began, but he was interrupted.

"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!" and then a click as the person on the other end hung up.

"That was strange," he commented aloud, more for his benefit than that of the buzzing phone, "That was very, very strange…"

Five minutes later he sat exactly where he had been, the contact list scrolling up the screen, his eyes focused on it, but not really seeing it.

He jumped slightly, realizing the idle state he had been in and the sheer pointlessness of it all, a mad rage gripped him.

"This is going _absolutely _nowhere…" he growled to himself, entering a number furiously into the phone.

"Hello," Vincent said, oblivious to just how much he sounded like the stalker antagonist of a horror film.

"Uh… hello?" the voice replied form the receiving end, "Who is this?"

"Give it back." Vincent snarled, sounding vaguely like Red XIII, "You took it. It's mine. Tell Cloud: give it back."

"Who is this?… Vincent? Is that you?" Yuffie's voice was panicked.

Vincent balked, not realizing that she would recognize his voice, "This is my phone. You have no right to call it." He hung up.

Vincent felt drained, his rage used. He looked back down at the phone where he had unthinkingly brought the hated list back up. He made the reckless decision to call another unknown number, partly in search of his cape, partly out of boredom.

The phone rang in his ear, and Vincent wondered who he had called this time.

"Hello? Who the heck is calling me?"

"Who the heck have I called?" Vincent said in as polite a tone as those words could be said by Vincent Valentine.

"Who are you? And why don't you know who you called?"

Vincent decided that this conversation would get nowhere unless someone answered the questions being asked. "I'm Vincent Valentine. I'm bored, so I'm calling random people on my contact list."

"… Why am I on you're contact list?"

"Who are you?"

"Sephiroth."

"Why are you on my contact list?!?"

"_I_ don't know, _I_ just asked _you_ that."

"I know."

There was a lull in the conversation and Vincent considered hanging up, but Sephiroth started talking again and Vincent listened respectfully.

"Why are you so bored that you are reduced to prank calling people? I mean, couldn't you just sit and brood or something?"

"Normally I could, but Cloud and Yuffie broke into my house and stole my cape. It just feels wrong to brood without it."

"Yah… Same thing almost happened to me. Some weird guy broke into my house and tried to take my coat. He ended up running off with all my aluminum foil…"

"Ouch, that's bad," Vincent said, feeling strangely sympathetic.

There was another awkward lull, and this time Sephiroth effectively ended the conversation, "I think… the… muffins are burning." He said in an automatic and slightly dazed tone.

Vincent made no reply until the phone was again making the buzzing of an open line, "Muffins?" Perhaps Sephiroth was having as bad a day as he was.

---

Vincent had been lying on his back for the past hour and a half, playing solitaire on his phone, bored of calling people. Apparently, Barrett had no idea about the disappearances, and Reeve was busy, so he ended up talking to a robotic cat with a Scottish accent.

Vincent sighed, giving up on yet another game of cards. The score was currently Phone: 21, Vincent: 3.

He jumped slightly as the phone rang in his hand. He closed his 25th game of solitaire and checked the caller:

_Aerith?_

"Hello?" Vincent was hesitant to believe that Aerith was calling him as she had been killed over two years ago.

"Hi, Vincent! It's Aerith! Listen, Cloud's here and so are Yuffie and Cid. Their minds have been corrupted by the Realm of Darkness and… Well, it's a long story but they'll be okay now and I thought, maybe, you could call Tifa and come meet us?"

Vincent's doubts that it was Aerith vanished, only she could defend Cloud, ask a favor, make the factor of her death irrelevant, and sound like a ditz all in one sentence. "Alright, thanks, Aerith. Do you think you could get Cloud to give my cape back?"

She giggled. "Of course! That's the whole reason I called you! Once Cloud's back to normal he'll hand them over, no problem!"

"I'll call Tifa, then—"

"Aerith?" It was Yuffie's muffled voice from the other end of the phone.

"Just a second, Vincent. What, Yuffie?"

"We found a bunch of aluminum foil."

"Aluminum foil? Where…?"

"Apparently, Ansem had it."

"Ansem? Why did Ansem have Aluminum foil?"

"Oh, that," Vincent chimed in, "That belongs to Sephiroth."

"Sephiroth? Why does he have so much…foil? ...anyway, we'll meet you and Tifa outside Kalm in… an hour and a half, okay? Bye, nice talking to you again, Vincent!" She hung up.

Vincent smiled slightly and called Tifa, as promised. "Hey, Tifa?"

"Oh, hi Vincent." She sounded mildly disappointed.

"Yah… Tifa, it's about Cloud. He Yuffie and Cid will be outside Kalm in an hour and a half and we're supposed to meet them."

"Really? Oh! Thank you Vincent! I'll see you there, then?"

"Uh… sure. Bye, Tifa."

Vincent closed the phone and started getting ready to leave.

---

Almost, but not quite an hour and a half later Vincent walked out of Kalm to the arranged meeting place where Tifa was already waiting, looking around.

"You're early," he commented to her, the wind blowing a few locks of his hair into his face.

She started. "Oh, hi, Vincent. I didn't—wait… your cape?" She looked at him, slightly amazed.

"Cloud has it," Vincent explained walking up next to her, "He hired Yuffie to steal it. That's why I'm here."

"Oh, I see." She seemed embarrassed for some reason.

For about ten minutes they stood there. Vincent perfectly still, Tifa looking around for some vehicle. She was looking on the horizon as though expecting them to ride in on chocobos, but Vincent knew better, he knew that if Cid Highwind was to blame they ought to look…

…to the sky! As Vincent's eyes flicked upwards he saw a strangely colorful rocket-like airship descending like some alien craft.

Vincent pointed at it with his bare left hand and Tifa, following his line of sight, gasped and ran forward waving.

"Awright dogs! I'm landin' this thing so keep outta the way!" It was Cid's voice over the intercom of the Gummi ship, "An' that means you, Tifa!"

Vincent walked slowly up behind the still waving Tifa as the ship touched down. He raised a hand to acknowledge Aerith who had one hand pressed against the glass of the ship's cockpit, the other moving faster than a dog's tail. She suddenly turned, nodded, and dashed away from the window.

A ramp lowered itself from the underbelly of the ship like the initiation of an extraterrestrial invasion. The moment the ramp touched down a small, nimble figure ran halfway down the ramp and jumped off the edge of it. She landed catlike, then stood and proceeded to fall over again. Yuffie Kisaragi giggled from her place on the ground. "Hey, look! I'm baaaaaack!!"

Aerith was next to come down the ramp boots making an unfamiliar noise on the not-quite-metal substance. She ran to kneel beside Yuffie, concerned.

"I'm fine, I'm fine!" the ninja insisted, brushing her short hair out of her face. "Hi, Tifa! Vincent! No hard feelings right?"

Vincent made a noncommittal noise watching as Cloud warily emerged from the ship, wearing a snazzed-up purple SOLDIER uniform, a brass glove and a torn blood red cape, all clashing magnificently with his chocobo yellow hair. Vincent locked his deep blood colored eyes on Cloud's glowing emerald-sapphire colored ones. Cloud looked away.

The moment Cloud's left boot touched the ground Tifa had run and put her arms around his neck. Cloud looked startled for a moment, then softened, putting an arm hesitantly around her glancing at Aerith who was giggling silently.

Tifa suddenly pulled away, holding Cloud's red-cape clad shoulders at arms length. "Never do that again! Never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, _ever _do that again! Don't run off without me!..." She continued in this vein for about a minute shaking Cloud every few words until Aerith took pity on a bored-looking Cloud and pried a sobbing Tifa off his chest.

Over the other woman's shoulder, Aerith looked at Vincent, then pointedly at Cloud.

"But…" Cloud started to say, but his plea was cut off by a hushed snarl from Aerith.

"You promised, Cloud!" She nodded towards Vincent.

Cloud took a tentative step towards Vincent, sheepishly. Vincent glowered, unforgiving, bare left hand outstretched. Cloud looked at the hand then at his own. Cloud pulled the glove off dejectedly, holding it out to Vincent, who snatched it and pulled it onto his own arm. He clenched and unclenched his fist several times, admiring the lethally sharp claws in an unnervingly ominous gesture. Vincent's eyes focused again on Cloud, who shifted awkwardly under the disapproving gaze of his former comrade.

Cloud tugged at the neck of the cape slightly, and threw a pleading glance towards Aerith. She glowered at him, mutely indicating that he should give the cape to Vincent. Now.

Cloud turned his face back towards the vampiric man, still meekly refusing to make eye contact. The blonde pulled the cape off from around his neck, holding it hesitantly.

Vincent gave a nearly audible snarl and snatched the cape from Cloud. He turned and walked away from Cloud brushing off the cape and straightening the shoulder part of it, which had been folded over and tied like a scarf.

Vincent would have continued walking but he heard a soft laugh and an unfamiliar voice from behind him. "You did the right thing, Cloud." A man in tight black pants, a white shirt, and a black fur-collared coat was leaning against the exit door of the ship, looking solemnly at Cloud.

"I guess this is goodbye then, Leon?" Cloud asked.

The man shrugged, "We'll go our separate ways for now. But if that brown-haired mini-clone of yours needs our help again, I'm not getting left out."

Cloud nodded and, in spite of Aerith's attempts to restrain her, Tifa latched herself onto Cloud's arm again, "If you leave again, I'm coming with you!" No one seemed especially willing to refuse the fist fighter's wishes.

Cid emerged from the dark interior of the ship and looked like he was about to say something to Leon.

"Don't worry, Cid," Leon reassured him, placing a hand on the airship master's shoulder, "Aerith and I will take good care of her."

Cid looked wistfully at the brightly colored, unconventional looking Gummi ship. "Isn't you I'm worried about… it's that girly-haired—"

"Hey, what happens if I push the big red button?" A voice asked from within the ship.

"You feather-brained, albino—! I'll get you Sephiroth!" Cid howled, struggling to free himself from Leon's firm grip on his arms.

"Don't worry Cid," Leon repeated, "We won't let him hurt your precious ship."

Cid gave a last wistful look back at his "baby" before walking off the ramp, as close as the callused captain could be to crying.

Aerith ran back up the ramp waving a last happy farewell to her old friends. The ramp closed behind her and Leon as the ship began to lift off. Cid watched his ship leave, standing by Cloud who was virtually carrying Tifa now.

Yuffie was waving the ship off, walking slowly backwards towards Vincent. As the ship vanished into the sky Yuffie turned around to address Vincent hesitantly. "Soooo… anyhow, you're not, like, mad at me for the whole cape thing, right?" She smiled sheepishly.

Vincent swirled his cape and laid it over his shoulders. He looked at Yuffie. "I'll take that as an apology, so I can't exactly be angry with you." Vincent started to work at clasping the cape, staring at Cloud's back, his red eyes glinting dangerously. "Hey, Yuffie," he said to the short ninja, his voice thick with venom, his eyes burning holes in Cloud's back, "How do you kill a dumb blonde?"

Yuffie looked confused for a second, then seemed to get it. She snickered, looking at Cloud. "Ya know he never _did_ pay me…"

Vincent brushed off the front of his cape, watching Yuffie stalk off to do his bidding. He was as close as he had been in a very long time to happy. He had his glove and cape back, he would no longer be annoyed about not owning a cell phone, he would soon have his revenge on Cloud Strife and there was only one anonymous number left on his mysterious phone's contact list… but that's an entirely different story.

------------------------------

**Author Note: I would just like to thank everyone who read this while it was in progress and made me continue, this is the second fan fiction I have ever finished...**


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